Tag Archives: winger

10 years ago – Camping at MacGregor Point

What I've Been Up To, ,

If my memory is correct, it was 10 years ago that Dad, Julie, Brian, Leanne, and I (with Winger and Surf) went camping for the May long weekend at MacGregor Point Provincial Park.

It was the weekend that Walkerton’s e-coli outbreak hit the news.

It wasn’t warm.

I slept in my little tent with my dogs, and Dad, Julie, Brian, and Leanne slept in the other tent.

When a park ranger drove through the park after dark to tell everything that there was a bear running around the park and we should all stay put, I freaked out and my dogs and I slept in the back seat of my car with the windows open a centimetre. I slept on the floor and the dogs got the seat. It wasn’t as comfortable as you’d think.

Here are a few pictures I dug out of my photo album and scanned:

camping

camping

camping

And just because these were cute, I scanned in two photos of Julie from July 2000 in Mom’s old backyard. The first one is with Surf, and Winger got into the second photo with them.

Julie

Julie

Grief is a crazy mild altering emotion, isn’t it?

Monty, ,

I have been exchanging emails with a lady who wrote me that she lost her Golden Retriever to cancer 16 months ago and feels that a part of her died with her dog. She is thinking about getting another dog, but seems so guilty and torn at the thought. I shared my experiences and thoughts with her and that spurred me on to have a good cry.

Next month will mark 3 years since I had to put my best friend Winger to sleep. Surf followed, just two months later. In a way I can’t believe it’s been 3 years and in other ways it feels like they are like a distant memory.

I think about them every day – usually Monty (their nephew) will trigger a memory through his actions and antics. But I don’t cry much anymore. Once in awhile I have to stop recalling a story about one of them because I’ll choke up. Looking back, I’m sure I cried every day for that first year. After I marked getting through that first year without them, I realized that if I kept trying to remember every single little thing about them, then I would never be able to shake the grief. I had to let go a little bit. I had to do it to be fair to Monty, I had to do it if I was going to have a future with Jeff, and most importantly, I had to do it for myself.

And now it’s almost 3 years later, and every few months I have to scratch open those emotional scars to feel the pain again. I’m not sure if I do it because I feel they deserve some sort of acknowledgement, or if I’m afraid I’m going to forget them completely, or if it is just healthy to cry a couple times a year. Luckily these times often co-insides with Jeff being out of town so he doesn’t have to witness the tear festival going on in here. (he’s in Sydney this week)

I usually start by reading the memory stories I wrote for each of them after they died. Winger’s is here, and Surf’s is here. Then I dig right in and load up a few videos I have of them – so I can see them swimming and I can hear them breathing. They were always so happy.

Even reading their memory stories tonight, I realized how many things I’ve forgotten about them already. I forgot about Winger’s love for all food except celery. I can see him right now gobbling celery, giving it a chew, and then flicking it back off his tongue onto the kitchen floor. He hated celery. And I forgot that. But that is okay. It has to be okay.

September 15th – He’s been gone a year….

House/Moving/Repairs,

The agent and her client showed this morning! I put away the dog beds, baby gates, x pen, dog toys, vacuumed, mopped, made the bed, took out the garbage, cleaned and put away the dishes. Then I put Monty out in the dog run, Trooper in a crate in the garage, and Zeus in Monty’s puppy carrier behind the back door. I waited for them to arrive, told them were the pets were so they weren’t surprised by them, and then I went to the post office. It was a young lady with a toddler. This place would be perfect for them! I hope she liked it. They didn’t stay long – they were gone by the time I returned from the post office. My agent is gone next week, but she has a partner covering her listings.

So I’ve put the dog stuff back and brought in the boys and let out the cat. Now I’m going to work on my new site for awhile. I can’t wait to get it earning me money. Later I’ll probably drive out to the retriever club property as today is the one year anniversary of Winger dying. I remember that day all too well and can’t believe it was already a year ago.

I also have to plan tomorrow’s welcome home dinner. And the dessert better be chocolate because I’m eager to prove to myself I’m not allergic to chocolate after all! (but I’ll wait for Jeff, a.k.a. a ride to the hospital, to be here just in case my hunch is wrong!)

This Week

What I've Been Up To, ,

I suppose I’m feeling a little jealous that Jeff is off fishing for a week so I just booked this coming Thursday and Friday off. Two days for me to do whatever I want. I can’t wait!

Friday September 15th will mark one year’s passing since Winger died. In a way it marks the day Surf died too. Although she was with me for almost two months longer, she was never the same after the day Winger didn’t return home. I’m not sure how I’ll mark the day. Probably with tears and a trip out to the retriever club property. I can’t believe I haven’t seen that beautiful boy for a year. I still miss him terribly.

So I hope Jeff is having a good trip, relaxing, and catching a lot of fish. While I’m stuck going to work. As hard as it is to be at work now with him on vacation, after we move, I’ll be working from home for a couple months. Ha ha, that’ll make us even.

Now.. let this be the week someone buys my house! I imagine someone has to actually VIEW it first, so come on, let’s get this show on the road. I don’t want to move in the winter again. Twice was enough for one lifetime.

Last Night’s Dream

What I've Been Up To, ,

Other than one nightmare after Winger died, last night was the first time I dreamed about my lost dogs. For some unknown reason, I took Winger and Surf into a groomer in the mall. The man at the counter (it was just like a clothing store) was the man from the clothing store where I get custom embroidery work done for clothing I’ve sold at CanadianGoldens.com in the past. Anyway, I drop them off in their crates. I see them up on shelves over to the right of the store at one point. I came back to check on them and they brought Winger out of the back room and he was trimmed too short! His tail was trimmed to about an inch long and his the feathering on his butt was all trimmed really really short! I freaked out and cried and told them he had cancer and didn’t have long to live and I’ll never have the chance to let it grow back out! The man had to go in the back and tell them not to trim Surf so short. Winger was doing his bum shaking walk he always did after a bath and I put him back in his crate back up on the shelf on the wall.

It sure was nice to see them again, even if it was in a dream.

Surf has been “spread”

What I've Been Up To, ,

Well that closes the door so to speak on my Winger & Surf era. J. drove me out in the snow today so I could spread Surf’s ashes where I spread Winger’s just a few weeks before.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to look for signs, or I just want a sign that she’s okay, but when we got there, I saw a Bald Eagle in a tree beside the snowed in path. It leaped out of the tree and flew over the property. So beautiful.

I left my chauffeur in his truck, and I hiked in. The snow was about a foot deep already. I was still able to make out the shoreline (I didn’t expect the ponds to be covered over already, but they were) and I spoke some thank-you’s and good-bye’s and let her go.

So while I’m sure I’ll shed many more tears over the years to come for Winger and Surf, I need to open my heart for their nephew. I thought of him this morning when I slept in until 10.. thinking it was probably the last Saturday for awhile I’ll be able to sleep in.. at least until he grows a bigger bladder ;-)

Don’t tell me I’m allergic to Tylenol now

What I've Been Up To, , ,

I’m sure I didn’t need this.
Monday – I was awake since 3am. My neck hurt so badly from whatever I pulled in it carrying Surf. I couldn’t sleep, I was in agony. I took a short nap around 5:30am and went to work.
Monday night – Very tired, went to bed, woke up over and over from the total agony of my neck pain. I was out of advils. I found a 2 pill Extra-strength tylenol sample pack in the medicine cabinet. I don’t care that they expired a year ago. Gobbled the two down. Moan and cry myself to sleep. 2am. Wake up. EXTREME itchiness everywhere. I’ve never experienced anything like this. I woke myself up my scratching my hands almost raw. I’m so itchy everywhere I want to cry. I just found a hive on my stomach and a few on the back of my head of all places. I must be having an allergic reaction to Tylenol. I just took 2 Benedryls. I have an Epi-pen for my possible chocolate allergy, so I’ll keep it handy, but my breathing seems fine right now. I don’t usually take Tylenol. Benedryl hasn’t kicked in yet, I’m so itchy on every square millimeter of my skin it’s unbearable. Maybe I should try a shower until the Benedryl kicks in and takes me back to lullaby land. I’m sooo sleep deprived.
Ahh crap, the cat just puked all over.

Update: 6:57am. Well I’m awake, but soooo tired. I imagine the Benedryl is still in my system. It fixed my itchiness. Geez that was crazy. I sure have crazy hair from my middle of the night shower. I really want to go back to bed but then I’ll never get to work.

Winger would have been 12 today. He died two months ago today. At least I no longer have grand expectations of him being reincarnated into a puppy. Now I just want him to be there, wherever there is, for Surf. I’m taking care of a dog this week. He’s not the same as having my own here, but he is making the house feel much less empty, so that is good.

So Windy!

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Today is the windiest day I think I’ve ever experienced. I even felt my house move a few times! I saw shingle after shingle being ripped from my neighbour’s garage roof. There was even a 4 foot long piece of blue styrofoam insulation in my tree for a half minute and then it disappeared as fast as it arrived.

Dad and Julie left this morning. Then it was just me and Zeus (the cat). I had a little pity party for myself. Good long cry/sob/cry/whine/shake… Sometime during the week I’ve pulled something in my neck, probably while carrying Surf outside. It hurts so badly whether I’m moving or sitting or standing.. I guess it’s helping distract me from the deep emotional hurt I have. A hot bath and some advil dimmed it a bit. I was so depressed last night and this morning that I just wanted to get in my truck and drive away and never come back here. Just leave everything. There is just too much pain here. Just when I was coming to terms with Winger’s death, Surf died and I feel like I’m grieving her and reliving Winger’s all at the same time. I don’t feel to pumped to drive a way and leave everything, but a good part of me still wants a new start somewhere else.

J. (is that okay Herc? Can I call you by your first initial rather than the silly Herc nickname?) and I went for a drive to see the waves on Lake Superior. We went about 100 kilometers north of town. I look a lot of good pictures, I’ll share some below as I save and resize them.

On the way back into town we stopped at the pet store. I want the puppy to have a bit of a new fresh start and not just doggie hand me downs, so I got him a dark green puppy sized collar and his first toy, a multi-coloured rope toy. I was very close today to throwing out every dog toy (they are all over my house), but I just can’t do it. Every one of them holds a memory so I think I’ll wash them up and save them for the pup.

I am supposed to dog-sit a dog all this week. I’m terrified to do it. Like I’m a curse or something and something horrible will happen to him. He can go to a boarding kennel if I say no. Do I want the company? I don’t know. I suppose I shouldn’t be alone. I’m just scared. To be honest, sometimes I am not sure I even want the puppy anymore, but I know I do, it’s just the grief, why would I want to go through this again?

It’s really strange getting used to not mentally checking in my mind where my dogs are every once in a while. And not taking care of them. The cat is mostly self-sufficient so it’s not the same. I was also thinking this week that I have no idea how people find the strength to care for their elderly parents, or physically handicapped children. Taking care of Surf when she was so bad off for the last week was very very draining. Of course I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. I really thought after her little rally mid-week that she was going to beat it. But for people to care for other people like that long term… it’s a wonder they find the strength.

Okay, I need to take some more Advil for my neck. Whatever I pulled it radiating down into my shoulder and making my stomach turn it aches so bad. I’ll start on uploading the photos shortly…

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Okay here go, Lake Superior in the wind (power is off in parts of town now…)

November Wind

November Wind

November Wind

November Wind

Update: The winds are apparently 71km/hr, gusting to 105 right now! I just thought my roof was going! A huge gust of wind and the house shook – even my monitor shook! And I thought I had a solid house!