My friend Dean sent this to me today and I’ve watched it three times now and cried all three times.
Have you heard of Christian the Lion??
I think I cry because this is always how I imagined reuniting with Winger and Surf in heaven.
Tag Archives: grieving
Trooper
After a incredible 14 years of life, Trooper passed away on Thursday.
Trooper was Jeff’s first and only dog, a chocolate lab, a great companion and friend.
I only knew Trooper during the second half of his life, but I have many great memories. Him grabbing my sleeve, humping Jeff when he was picked up from my house, the first seizure he had in my care (he was epileptic), his intolerance for Zeus, his puzzlement at Sally, the way he folded his front paws, his drool, his insistence on opening the bathroom door everytime I was peeing so he could get to his waterbowl for a drink, the tooth marks he left in my metal spray nozzle on my garden hose, and his love for noisey toys.
It is hard to watch a dog get old. I watched Winger and Surf get sick and pass away relatively quickly. It hasn’t been easy watching Trooper slow down, grey, and age these last few years. I hope his spirit has now been rejuvenated and he finds his old buddies Winger and Surf in whatever afterlife awaits us.
Here are a few memories of Trooper:
It is strange having just one dog in our house now.
Grief is a crazy mild altering emotion, isn’t it?
I have been exchanging emails with a lady who wrote me that she lost her Golden Retriever to cancer 16 months ago and feels that a part of her died with her dog. She is thinking about getting another dog, but seems so guilty and torn at the thought. I shared my experiences and thoughts with her and that spurred me on to have a good cry.
Next month will mark 3 years since I had to put my best friend Winger to sleep. Surf followed, just two months later. In a way I can’t believe it’s been 3 years and in other ways it feels like they are like a distant memory.
I think about them every day – usually Monty (their nephew) will trigger a memory through his actions and antics. But I don’t cry much anymore. Once in awhile I have to stop recalling a story about one of them because I’ll choke up. Looking back, I’m sure I cried every day for that first year. After I marked getting through that first year without them, I realized that if I kept trying to remember every single little thing about them, then I would never be able to shake the grief. I had to let go a little bit. I had to do it to be fair to Monty, I had to do it if I was going to have a future with Jeff, and most importantly, I had to do it for myself.
And now it’s almost 3 years later, and every few months I have to scratch open those emotional scars to feel the pain again. I’m not sure if I do it because I feel they deserve some sort of acknowledgement, or if I’m afraid I’m going to forget them completely, or if it is just healthy to cry a couple times a year. Luckily these times often co-insides with Jeff being out of town so he doesn’t have to witness the tear festival going on in here. (he’s in Sydney this week)
I usually start by reading the memory stories I wrote for each of them after they died. Winger’s is here, and Surf’s is here. Then I dig right in and load up a few videos I have of them – so I can see them swimming and I can hear them breathing. They were always so happy.
Even reading their memory stories tonight, I realized how many things I’ve forgotten about them already. I forgot about Winger’s love for all food except celery. I can see him right now gobbling celery, giving it a chew, and then flicking it back off his tongue onto the kitchen floor. He hated celery. And I forgot that. But that is okay. It has to be okay.
Back in Town
I’m back from my bereavement leave. My work contract allows 5 days plus 3 travel for an immediate family member, which includes a Grandma. It allows nothing for aunts or uncles, and only one day for a sister or brother in-law. Crazy.
I’m so grateful that Jeff wanted to come with me. I’m a million more times grateful that he was able to meet my Grandma in August. When I was single throughout my 20′s, I was always so scared that I wouldn’t meet someone until after my Grandparents were gone. Even though it wasn’t a long visit, Grandma was able to meet him and give her thumbs up. That means the world to me because I loved and respected her so much.
In order to cope with the weekend, I pretty much made myself delay all grieving until I got back home. I know.. I’m weird sometimes. Of course I cracked a few times, when I went to see Grandma at the funeral home, and when I had to walk up the church isle with a flower display, then a carnation for her, and then when I put the carnation on her casket in the cemetery, during a few of the speeches for her, but mostly I put it off. I guess I’m a grieve-in-private kind of person. Tonight I had to update Verkley.com with her passing. I wrote it a couple dozen times, erasing everything I wrote until I just couldn’t do it anymore and left it as is. I write better on my personal blog rather than trying to represent her entire family.
I had to drop Jeff off at the Toronto Airport so he was able to catch up with his flight to Calgary for his training this week. I had to drive all the way back up here driving his big truck. It was really hard to not totally blur over in tears, but I made it back. It was a very long and exhausting drive.
I’ll forever miss my Grandma, but I’m so so so lucky to have had her until I was thirty years old! Being the oldest grandchild has its perks!
I’m grateful she didn’t have to suffer too long. She would never have wanted to be old and sick or reliant on others for everything.
I’m grateful that she was able to travel to Holland this past summer to visit her family and friends.
I’m grateful that her sister-in-law and daughters came just a few short weeks ago and surprised her for a visit.
In a way I’m grateful for Grandpa’s Alzheimer’s so that he doesn’t have to feel the full loss of his sweetheart.
I’m grateful I had a big box of Kleenex here on my desk.
This Week
I suppose I’m feeling a little jealous that Jeff is off fishing for a week so I just booked this coming Thursday and Friday off. Two days for me to do whatever I want. I can’t wait!
Friday September 15th will mark one year’s passing since Winger died. In a way it marks the day Surf died too. Although she was with me for almost two months longer, she was never the same after the day Winger didn’t return home. I’m not sure how I’ll mark the day. Probably with tears and a trip out to the retriever club property. I can’t believe I haven’t seen that beautiful boy for a year. I still miss him terribly.
So I hope Jeff is having a good trip, relaxing, and catching a lot of fish. While I’m stuck going to work. As hard as it is to be at work now with him on vacation, after we move, I’ll be working from home for a couple months. Ha ha, that’ll make us even.
Now.. let this be the week someone buys my house! I imagine someone has to actually VIEW it first, so come on, let’s get this show on the road. I don’t want to move in the winter again. Twice was enough for one lifetime.
Surf has been “spread”
Well that closes the door so to speak on my Winger & Surf era. J. drove me out in the snow today so I could spread Surf’s ashes where I spread Winger’s just a few weeks before.
I don’t know if I’m supposed to look for signs, or I just want a sign that she’s okay, but when we got there, I saw a Bald Eagle in a tree beside the snowed in path. It leaped out of the tree and flew over the property. So beautiful.
I left my chauffeur in his truck, and I hiked in. The snow was about a foot deep already. I was still able to make out the shoreline (I didn’t expect the ponds to be covered over already, but they were) and I spoke some thank-you’s and good-bye’s and let her go.
So while I’m sure I’ll shed many more tears over the years to come for Winger and Surf, I need to open my heart for their nephew. I thought of him this morning when I slept in until 10.. thinking it was probably the last Saturday for awhile I’ll be able to sleep in.. at least until he grows a bigger bladder 
Friday Roundup
Well a week from now I will have met my new pup already. I’m excited for a vacation! Still nervous about getting a pup. J. bought a couple puppy toys for him. So cute. I guess I should spend sometime this weekend getting stuff off the floor and out of the chew zone. Yeah right. I’m a packrat with stuff everywhere. Maybe I’ll just pick it up as he does.
So let me round-up the end of the week.
My favourite news story of the week: Russian squirrel pack ‘kills dog’. Dad should really be careful all those squirrels he’s trapping don’t turn on him!
An update on my Freestyle rant of a few weeks back. CBC One’s afternoon program, Freestyle, is still the worst program I’ve ever heard on CBC radio. I can’t understand why they haven’t made the slightest notion of trying to improve or change it. It’s sooooooooo bad. I can’t stand listening to their scripted banter. They have no chemistry. The music is horrible. There is too much of it. They talk about absolutely nothing of interest. I still often turn it off and sit at work in silence. (I always get a lot of hits from search engines when I bitch about Freestyle. I guess everyone is searching because they feel the same way. Now they know they aren’t alone.)
Satellite radio came out this week in Canada. I would just LOVE to have one of those installed in my truck for the 9.5+ hour drive home at Christmas. Especially since it will be a Saturday (Christmas Eve) and there is bound to be Christmas carols on all day. Now the odd carol is nothing to whine about, but by 9 hours into a drive, I’m sure I’ll be whining. If I drove any distance more often, then I’d find a way to justify subscribing to satellite radio, but right now I just drive around town, and the sign of the antennae on my roof would surely get my truck busted into. Maybe in 3 years when I loans are paid and I get a new vehicle with one built in.
I did spoil myself a little and I bought a cell phone – well I ordered it before Surf died and it arrived just a couple days after she died. I just wasn’t in the mood to blog about it. It seems really groovy to me, but I haven’t actually made a call yet, other than to set up the voice mail box. I went with the Virgin Mobile Hot Box special (http://www.virginmobile.ca) – it’s a Nokia 6015i. It is even equipped with a flashlight! I really wanted it for my trip, and for my drive home at Christmas. If you are a Lisa’s Blog reader from way back, you know the last time I drove home I had a long detour from missing my ferry, and then I was stuck in traffic for a bizillion hours, stopped dead on the 400, and Julie thought I was dead because I had no way to call her to explain why I wasn’t home yet. Now I’ll be ready to go. It’s a pay as you go phone and it keeps the money you put on it for 3 months so the deal seemed good enough for me since I’ll rarely use it. It is such a tiny phone, it easily fits in my inside coat pocket.
Surf’s ashes arrived today. I was so excited to see the parcel slip on my door thinking someone sent me something special. Luckily I realized what it was soon enough. I had a good cry for an hour or so before I went and picked them at the post office. Today’s cry was more of anger, like why did she have to die too? I’m glad they mailed them to me this time. Going back to that vet’s office where I said good-bye to her would have just been too soon and too hard. That was very difficult when I had to picked up Winger’s there. I would have liked to spread her ashes tomorrow, but there is 30-40cm of snow expected to arrive, so hopefully there will be a day before I leave on Friday that I can park on the road and hike in to the spot and spread them. J. offered to drive me up there tonight in the dark before it got too snowy, but I’d rather do it during the day, and probably alone because he’s seen me cry enough over the last few months.
Well now that it’s into Saturday, but I still have several other good “tails” to tell, I’ll keep them for another day. Have a good weekend. Zeus and I are going to bed.
Christmas List(s)
Okay you want to know what I want for Christmas. I really haven’t thought about it, but I have been coming back here and updating the following lists when I think of things:
List 1 – Things that are Likely:
- large frying pan
- a good knife for the kitchen – to chop veggies and not fingers
- puppy toys
- MEC (Mountain Equipment Coop) – MEC Duffle Bag – XL – $32 and/or the MEC Travel All Shoulder Bag, Black, $15
- Reitmans (clothing store) gift certificates
- Home Depot gift certificate (my bathroom could use some walls one of these days)
List 2 – Things that are Unlikely, but Hey, why not Dream a little:
- new windshield (1992 Chevy S10)
- satellite radio for my truck
- Queen-sized feather duvet
- new laptop to replace my dead one, wireless & lots of horsepower
- brown leather sofa (futon is falling apart)
- 2006 Honda Element, 4×4, colour of your choice
List 3 – Please do not get me:
- Chocolate, Tylenol, Oysters (this year’s new allergies)
- Any pets
- Things to make me cry about my lost dogs (unless you’ve already told me about it)
My current fav albums that you NEED to download to add to your music shuffle:
- Paul Anka’s Rock Swings
- the new Neil Diamond – 12 Songs (2 Bonus Tracks)
I’m still excited for my trip to the west coast. So many aspects of it to be excited about: new puppy, seeing old friends, seeing the west coast for the first time, maybe a mountain or two, being in Vancouver, biggest plane I’ll have ever been on, longest flight I’ll have ever been on, etc, etc. Still nervous about getting a puppy and I hope I’m doing the right thing.
It scares me how much I’m blocking Winger & Surf totally out of my mind so I can get through the day. I hope I’m not putting off some serious grieving, I just can’t think about memories of them right now, it’s just tooooooo hard. 2 o’clock in the afternoon is the worst, every day. It’s probably because I’m sitting at my desk bored, wanting to go home, knowing I have 2 hours to go in the day. I have to go walk around because I tear up every day at 2. When Winger died I felt I was always about 4 seconds from crying. Now I feel like I’m always a blink away. Just one thought of how much I miss them and poof, I’ll blink, and reopen with tear filled eyes. I’m sure when Surf’s ashes get delivered I’ll have another predictably bad day. It’s part of the good-bye process, so I’ll face it when it comes. It would be kinda nice if they come before all the snow comes back so I can spread them where I spread Winger’s without having to wait until spring.
Hopefully the puppy will not be a total terror and he’ll help me heal. A vacation should really do me good too. Too bad it isn’t for a month! HA
Better Day
Today was a better day.
Work was better. I downloaded the new Visual Basic 2005 Express version. I still hate Visual Basic but this set up seems like it will be easier to use and fiddle with. VB6 was so frustrating. Especially since my scroll mouse didn’t work in the coding window. That just made an annoying program so much more so. Now if I can only get something working so I can impress my supervisor on Friday.
I’ve kept busy all evening, which kept my mind from wandering, and my eyes from crying. It looks like my immediate money problems will be over in a few days when I will be able to cash in a bond that was held in my name until I was 30. I’m not quite 30 yet, but these ones you can only cash in for a 30 day time span once a year. Luckily I found that out before it was too late so I can get it a few weeks before I was supposed to. It’ll bring my account back up into the plus signs again anyway. That takes a HUGE HUGE load off my back, it was really stressing me out thinking of going on vacation with not a dime to spare. Let alone thinking of how I was going to afford gas to get home at Christmas. Now I can relax a little and get things back on track.
We have a snowstorm right now. The highways are closed north of town. I’m just wondering if I’m going to have to shovel the driveway in the morning to get out. Yes that is right, I have my truck back. I was in the shop for a couple days, but it’s good as new now. It has a new gas tank and sending unit and gas lines and it had an oil change and was undercoated for the winter. My mechanic is fantastic and he is allowing me to pay the 2nd half of the bill on my next payday. My truck seems to start way easier now. I used to have to turn the key longer. Maybe that was when all the gas was leaking out. I wonder if I have a real bottom quarter of the tank now – before I would be out of gas if I let it go into the bottom quarter on the gauge too far. I think every part of my truck is new now, except for the outside. The only thing I might still have to fix this winter.. that I know about.. is that cracked windshield. It doesn’t like the defrost when it’s cold. If it stays in the far corner I’ll probably leave it, but if it comes over to my view point I’ll have to replace it. I guess I’ll have to drive it for a few more years to recoup this repairs. At least it drives well and the seat is comfy.
I talked to the breeders tonight. I really needed a puppy fix but they were so busy I didn’t learn much new. 15.5 days to go. I was really looking forward to seeing Winger’s brother when I get out there, but he’s just gotten really sick so he might not make it that long 
There are 4 male puppies for me to choose from and they think they’ve narrowed it down to the one for me, or at least down to 2 so far. I’ll get to meet them all and then the next day their new families will come to pick them up.
Oh and if anyone needs an idea for a Christmas gift for MOI, I just threw out my big frying pan. Dad and Julie used it last and everytime I wash or use it more of the metal or whatever it is flakes off. It was all rusty and I decided I didn’t want rust in my food. Into the trash it has gone!
Good night! Hey! Did you hear that? A snowmobile just went by!
Hey, I finally figured out his purpose…
On July 11th, 2001 I adopted a cat from the shelter. I am allergic to cats. I’ve never understood why I suddenly wanted a cat. I grew up with cats, but never in the house. I had two dogs already and I was living in a small rental house (more like a shack), so why did I want a cat?
I took myself to the shelter during that summer of 2001 to play with the cats and prove to myself that I didn’t want one because I was so allergic. So I went and played with a few of the cats and looked at the rest of them in their cages. There were so many cute cats there! And kittens! Oh and I loved the cute orange ones! But one average looking grey cat kept getting my attention by purring and rubbing himself on the front of his cage.
I got a nice allergic reaction from playing with a few cats and went back to work. But I couldn’t stop thinking about that cat! So I went back at lunch the next day and asked about that grey cat. I found out he had a long rap sheet. His name was Zeus and he had been there several times. He was only 2 years old but he had 4 homes already and because he kept stealing the kids food off the plate at his last home he had a warning not to adopt to kids on his cage. The ladies working there were so fond of him though. Well I went back to work again. Sounds like this cat was trouble, no thanks. But I thought about that damn cat all afternoon and stopped at Zellers to buy a carrying cage after work and swung by the shelter with $40 to adopt him.
I always thought he had a purpose but I had no idea what it was. I figured he was destined for something, whether it was saving my life in a fire, or heck, I didn’t know, I just knew there was a reason I suddenly had to get a cat for no good reason.
Now I know why fate brought him here. He was destined to keep me company when Winger and Surf died. I swear he’s the only thing keeping me semi-sane when I’m home by myself. He greets me at the door now when I come home from work and he curls up on me and lets me pet him for as long as I want. He’s tolerated big squeezing hugs very well. He even licks off tears sometimes.
I threw myself a huge pity party tonight. I haven’t missed my dogs as bad as I am tonight. I swear the grief is almost crippling. It’s probably because I had a really lousy day at work (lousy work days have been outweighing the good by many this year) and I’m really concerned about this massive financial hole I’ve dug for myself in the last few months with the truck repairs, back step repairs, and the bathroom, and the vet bills and now more truck repairs. I’ve cried for hours. I’m trying to find some sort of good twist on anything to make sense of all of this. I know I need to stop the “why me?” blubbering, so for right now, I’m thanking the powers that be for telling me I needed a cat. And while he’s not a dog, and I don’t have to take him outside to pee, it’s really nice to at least have Zeus here so I can hear noises in the house still, I can hear his soft breathing when I wake up in the middle of the night, and I know I’ll wake up in the morning with his warm body curled up on my legs. That right there is more than what some people have (or probably want, right Julie?).
Well g’nite all, Zeus and I are headed for bed. I really need some sleep….