Monthly Archives: November 2005

ForestTalk

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My Foresttalk.com blog is really starting to see some action, lots of hits, search engine hits, and it’s even making a few bucks. Probably because I have to post every week about more mills closing and more workers losing their job. Just today Domtar announced 1800 more people out of a job. I thought I was in the big time tonight when I saw all the recent comments coming in:

http://foresttalk.com/index.php?disp=comments

Until I realized the last 3 that were posted within 8 minutes are all from the same ip address. :-)

Brian, I updated the colours of it a bit too, see if that is easier on your eyeballs.

I did a marathon session of web updates tonight too for Kathy – FortKnox Goldens – check out their new site: http://www.canadiangoldens.com/fortknox

Christmas List(s)

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Okay you want to know what I want for Christmas. I really haven’t thought about it, but I have been coming back here and updating the following lists when I think of things:

List 1 – Things that are Likely:

  • large frying pan
  • a good knife for the kitchen – to chop veggies and not fingers
  • puppy toys
  • MEC (Mountain Equipment Coop) – MEC Duffle Bag – XL – $32 and/or the MEC Travel All Shoulder Bag, Black, $15
  • Reitmans (clothing store) gift certificates
  • Home Depot gift certificate (my bathroom could use some walls one of these days)

List 2 – Things that are Unlikely, but Hey, why not Dream a little:

  • new windshield (1992 Chevy S10)
  • satellite radio for my truck
  • Queen-sized feather duvet
  • new laptop to replace my dead one, wireless & lots of horsepower
  • brown leather sofa (futon is falling apart)
  • 2006 Honda Element, 4×4, colour of your choice

List 3 – Please do not get me:

  • Chocolate, Tylenol, Oysters (this year’s new allergies)
  • Any pets
  • Things to make me cry about my lost dogs (unless you’ve already told me about it)

My current fav albums that you NEED to download to add to your music shuffle:

I’m still excited for my trip to the west coast. So many aspects of it to be excited about: new puppy, seeing old friends, seeing the west coast for the first time, maybe a mountain or two, being in Vancouver, biggest plane I’ll have ever been on, longest flight I’ll have ever been on, etc, etc. Still nervous about getting a puppy and I hope I’m doing the right thing.

It scares me how much I’m blocking Winger & Surf totally out of my mind so I can get through the day. I hope I’m not putting off some serious grieving, I just can’t think about memories of them right now, it’s just tooooooo hard. 2 o’clock in the afternoon is the worst, every day. It’s probably because I’m sitting at my desk bored, wanting to go home, knowing I have 2 hours to go in the day. I have to go walk around because I tear up every day at 2. When Winger died I felt I was always about 4 seconds from crying. Now I feel like I’m always a blink away. Just one thought of how much I miss them and poof, I’ll blink, and reopen with tear filled eyes. I’m sure when Surf’s ashes get delivered I’ll have another predictably bad day. It’s part of the good-bye process, so I’ll face it when it comes. It would be kinda nice if they come before all the snow comes back so I can spread them where I spread Winger’s without having to wait until spring.

Hopefully the puppy will not be a total terror and he’ll help me heal. A vacation should really do me good too. Too bad it isn’t for a month! HA

Better Day

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Today was a better day.

Work was better. I downloaded the new Visual Basic 2005 Express version. I still hate Visual Basic but this set up seems like it will be easier to use and fiddle with. VB6 was so frustrating. Especially since my scroll mouse didn’t work in the coding window. That just made an annoying program so much more so. Now if I can only get something working so I can impress my supervisor on Friday.

I’ve kept busy all evening, which kept my mind from wandering, and my eyes from crying. It looks like my immediate money problems will be over in a few days when I will be able to cash in a bond that was held in my name until I was 30. I’m not quite 30 yet, but these ones you can only cash in for a 30 day time span once a year. Luckily I found that out before it was too late so I can get it a few weeks before I was supposed to. It’ll bring my account back up into the plus signs again anyway. That takes a HUGE HUGE load off my back, it was really stressing me out thinking of going on vacation with not a dime to spare. Let alone thinking of how I was going to afford gas to get home at Christmas. Now I can relax a little and get things back on track.

We have a snowstorm right now. The highways are closed north of town. I’m just wondering if I’m going to have to shovel the driveway in the morning to get out. Yes that is right, I have my truck back. I was in the shop for a couple days, but it’s good as new now. It has a new gas tank and sending unit and gas lines and it had an oil change and was undercoated for the winter. My mechanic is fantastic and he is allowing me to pay the 2nd half of the bill on my next payday. My truck seems to start way easier now. I used to have to turn the key longer. Maybe that was when all the gas was leaking out. I wonder if I have a real bottom quarter of the tank now – before I would be out of gas if I let it go into the bottom quarter on the gauge too far. I think every part of my truck is new now, except for the outside. The only thing I might still have to fix this winter.. that I know about.. is that cracked windshield. It doesn’t like the defrost when it’s cold. If it stays in the far corner I’ll probably leave it, but if it comes over to my view point I’ll have to replace it. I guess I’ll have to drive it for a few more years to recoup this repairs. At least it drives well and the seat is comfy.

I talked to the breeders tonight. I really needed a puppy fix but they were so busy I didn’t learn much new. 15.5 days to go. I was really looking forward to seeing Winger’s brother when I get out there, but he’s just gotten really sick so he might not make it that long :-( There are 4 male puppies for me to choose from and they think they’ve narrowed it down to the one for me, or at least down to 2 so far. I’ll get to meet them all and then the next day their new families will come to pick them up.

Oh and if anyone needs an idea for a Christmas gift for MOI, I just threw out my big frying pan. Dad and Julie used it last and everytime I wash or use it more of the metal or whatever it is flakes off. It was all rusty and I decided I didn’t want rust in my food. Into the trash it has gone!

Good night! Hey! Did you hear that? A snowmobile just went by!

Hey, I finally figured out his purpose…

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Zeus

On July 11th, 2001 I adopted a cat from the shelter. I am allergic to cats. I’ve never understood why I suddenly wanted a cat. I grew up with cats, but never in the house. I had two dogs already and I was living in a small rental house (more like a shack), so why did I want a cat?

I took myself to the shelter during that summer of 2001 to play with the cats and prove to myself that I didn’t want one because I was so allergic. So I went and played with a few of the cats and looked at the rest of them in their cages. There were so many cute cats there! And kittens! Oh and I loved the cute orange ones! But one average looking grey cat kept getting my attention by purring and rubbing himself on the front of his cage.

I got a nice allergic reaction from playing with a few cats and went back to work. But I couldn’t stop thinking about that cat! So I went back at lunch the next day and asked about that grey cat. I found out he had a long rap sheet. His name was Zeus and he had been there several times. He was only 2 years old but he had 4 homes already and because he kept stealing the kids food off the plate at his last home he had a warning not to adopt to kids on his cage. The ladies working there were so fond of him though. Well I went back to work again. Sounds like this cat was trouble, no thanks. But I thought about that damn cat all afternoon and stopped at Zellers to buy a carrying cage after work and swung by the shelter with $40 to adopt him.

I always thought he had a purpose but I had no idea what it was. I figured he was destined for something, whether it was saving my life in a fire, or heck, I didn’t know, I just knew there was a reason I suddenly had to get a cat for no good reason.

Now I know why fate brought him here. He was destined to keep me company when Winger and Surf died. I swear he’s the only thing keeping me semi-sane when I’m home by myself. He greets me at the door now when I come home from work and he curls up on me and lets me pet him for as long as I want. He’s tolerated big squeezing hugs very well. He even licks off tears sometimes.

I threw myself a huge pity party tonight. I haven’t missed my dogs as bad as I am tonight. I swear the grief is almost crippling. It’s probably because I had a really lousy day at work (lousy work days have been outweighing the good by many this year) and I’m really concerned about this massive financial hole I’ve dug for myself in the last few months with the truck repairs, back step repairs, and the bathroom, and the vet bills and now more truck repairs. I’ve cried for hours. I’m trying to find some sort of good twist on anything to make sense of all of this. I know I need to stop the “why me?” blubbering, so for right now, I’m thanking the powers that be for telling me I needed a cat. And while he’s not a dog, and I don’t have to take him outside to pee, it’s really nice to at least have Zeus here so I can hear noises in the house still, I can hear his soft breathing when I wake up in the middle of the night, and I know I’ll wake up in the morning with his warm body curled up on my legs. That right there is more than what some people have (or probably want, right Julie?).

Well g’nite all, Zeus and I are headed for bed. I really need some sleep….

Surf’s Memory Page

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I woke up his morning and realized the TV was still on from last night. It was 6:30am and I couldn’t fall back to sleep, so I got up and put together Surf’s memory page.

http://www.canadiangoldens.com/surf/

If you still would like to contribute a few words or a memory or favourite photo, please do.

Surfie

Winter Came, and my Snow Tires aren’t On Yet!

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AH! Winter arrived last night! And it should be illegal to drive without snow tires. The drive to work this morning was super dangerous. Cars and trucks sliding everywhere, including me, a couple way off the road trying to get up a hill. I waiting too long to put on my winter tires! After redialing the tire place here for 10 minutes after they opened, I finally got through and was luckily enough to score a 5pm appointment. That will give me time to get across town to get my winter tires out of the garage (why didn’t I just do that this morning, idiot!) and get back over here for the appointment. Snowsqualls and another 15 cm coming tonight! By next year studded winter tires should be legal up here in Northern Ontario.
Seriously, I think if you drive without winter tires (like I did for years) you should be charged with dangerous driving. Snow tires make a HUGE difference!

Don’t tell me I’m allergic to Tylenol now

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I’m sure I didn’t need this.
Monday – I was awake since 3am. My neck hurt so badly from whatever I pulled in it carrying Surf. I couldn’t sleep, I was in agony. I took a short nap around 5:30am and went to work.
Monday night – Very tired, went to bed, woke up over and over from the total agony of my neck pain. I was out of advils. I found a 2 pill Extra-strength tylenol sample pack in the medicine cabinet. I don’t care that they expired a year ago. Gobbled the two down. Moan and cry myself to sleep. 2am. Wake up. EXTREME itchiness everywhere. I’ve never experienced anything like this. I woke myself up my scratching my hands almost raw. I’m so itchy everywhere I want to cry. I just found a hive on my stomach and a few on the back of my head of all places. I must be having an allergic reaction to Tylenol. I just took 2 Benedryls. I have an Epi-pen for my possible chocolate allergy, so I’ll keep it handy, but my breathing seems fine right now. I don’t usually take Tylenol. Benedryl hasn’t kicked in yet, I’m so itchy on every square millimeter of my skin it’s unbearable. Maybe I should try a shower until the Benedryl kicks in and takes me back to lullaby land. I’m sooo sleep deprived.
Ahh crap, the cat just puked all over.

Update: 6:57am. Well I’m awake, but soooo tired. I imagine the Benedryl is still in my system. It fixed my itchiness. Geez that was crazy. I sure have crazy hair from my middle of the night shower. I really want to go back to bed but then I’ll never get to work.

Winger would have been 12 today. He died two months ago today. At least I no longer have grand expectations of him being reincarnated into a puppy. Now I just want him to be there, wherever there is, for Surf. I’m taking care of a dog this week. He’s not the same as having my own here, but he is making the house feel much less empty, so that is good.

So Windy!

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Today is the windiest day I think I’ve ever experienced. I even felt my house move a few times! I saw shingle after shingle being ripped from my neighbour’s garage roof. There was even a 4 foot long piece of blue styrofoam insulation in my tree for a half minute and then it disappeared as fast as it arrived.

Dad and Julie left this morning. Then it was just me and Zeus (the cat). I had a little pity party for myself. Good long cry/sob/cry/whine/shake… Sometime during the week I’ve pulled something in my neck, probably while carrying Surf outside. It hurts so badly whether I’m moving or sitting or standing.. I guess it’s helping distract me from the deep emotional hurt I have. A hot bath and some advil dimmed it a bit. I was so depressed last night and this morning that I just wanted to get in my truck and drive away and never come back here. Just leave everything. There is just too much pain here. Just when I was coming to terms with Winger’s death, Surf died and I feel like I’m grieving her and reliving Winger’s all at the same time. I don’t feel to pumped to drive a way and leave everything, but a good part of me still wants a new start somewhere else.

J. (is that okay Herc? Can I call you by your first initial rather than the silly Herc nickname?) and I went for a drive to see the waves on Lake Superior. We went about 100 kilometers north of town. I look a lot of good pictures, I’ll share some below as I save and resize them.

On the way back into town we stopped at the pet store. I want the puppy to have a bit of a new fresh start and not just doggie hand me downs, so I got him a dark green puppy sized collar and his first toy, a multi-coloured rope toy. I was very close today to throwing out every dog toy (they are all over my house), but I just can’t do it. Every one of them holds a memory so I think I’ll wash them up and save them for the pup.

I am supposed to dog-sit a dog all this week. I’m terrified to do it. Like I’m a curse or something and something horrible will happen to him. He can go to a boarding kennel if I say no. Do I want the company? I don’t know. I suppose I shouldn’t be alone. I’m just scared. To be honest, sometimes I am not sure I even want the puppy anymore, but I know I do, it’s just the grief, why would I want to go through this again?

It’s really strange getting used to not mentally checking in my mind where my dogs are every once in a while. And not taking care of them. The cat is mostly self-sufficient so it’s not the same. I was also thinking this week that I have no idea how people find the strength to care for their elderly parents, or physically handicapped children. Taking care of Surf when she was so bad off for the last week was very very draining. Of course I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. I really thought after her little rally mid-week that she was going to beat it. But for people to care for other people like that long term… it’s a wonder they find the strength.

Okay, I need to take some more Advil for my neck. Whatever I pulled it radiating down into my shoulder and making my stomach turn it aches so bad. I’ll start on uploading the photos shortly…

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Okay here go, Lake Superior in the wind (power is off in parts of town now…)

November Wind

November Wind

November Wind

November Wind

Update: The winds are apparently 71km/hr, gusting to 105 right now! I just thought my roof was going! A huge gust of wind and the house shook – even my monitor shook! And I thought I had a solid house!