Monthly Archives: September 2005

First Snow!

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It was lightly snowing as I drove into work today! It’s 4°C. right now, heading for a high of 10 today! It’s COOOOOOLD out there now. Well I know in a few months I’ll think this is balmy, but right now it’s cold!

I got my computer at home working last night! WINSOCK was the problem. If you ever think you have a DNS problem, but some sites actually work, and some are urls and some are ip’s, but everything is just not right, and you can’t even call up your router by ip, then use these two lines at a command prompt and then restart your computer:
netsh int ip reset resetlog.txt
netsh winsock reset

I was up until almost 2 again and fell asleep with the tv on. It was chilly – I was wearing sweatpants, sweatshirt, socks, and I was under all the covers, hugging Winger’s lion, with a dog on each side of my legs for warmth (I was dogsitting an extra dog for the night).

My mom is still in the hospital and really wants to get better, so send your good thoughts and well wishes in her direction!

What a crappy week

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Seriously, what a crappy week. My laptop dies and I can’t afford to fix or replace it. My internet connection is down, or I broke it, or something. I can only get Google Talk to connect, and I can go to http://google.com/adsense to check my ad income. That is it. Not even google.com worked. I figured it was a DNS thing, but it’s not, because I couldn’t get to ip sites either. For awhile I could connect to the ip of my server in Texas. I kept fiddling with settings. I disconnected my router because I couldn’t even get into the ip of it. I called shaw at 2am (yes I was still working on it at 2am) and they had a message that they were doing repairs in the Sault. ARGHHHHHH. So now my settings are probably all messed up. It better be working tonight because I really have work to do!

Yesterday I decided to take my own advice and I took Surf to the vet to get a lump on her back checked out. She’s had it for years, but it seemed a bit bigger to me. I just needed to know. If it was cancer too, I’d remove it early before anything happened. If it wasn’t, I’d have piece of mind. Winger’s looked like a harmless lump for a year before it started growing.

I was sleep deprived yesterday and teared up about 40 times while at work. I just miss my dog soooooooo much. Then I get home and I’m already sad, and I miss not having that lovable creature meet me at the door, and then there is a sympathy card from the vet’s office in the mailbox. They had all signed it. Teared up again. Then the paper lady saw me with just one dog and she wanted to know where the other one was. Tears again. Then I had to sit in the vet’s office, knowing that was the last place I saw Winger. What an internal struggle to put that out of my mind so I didn’t break down in their office. Surf must have sensed my emotions because she just wanted out of there!

Luckily Surf’s lump was just a sebaceous cyst. My wonderful vet didn’t make me wait for tests – he had a vet tech immediately check it under a scope for me. It is good to know it is harmless. I got a refill on her thyroid pills and headed out.

I probably shouldn’t write this next paragraph, but I had to buy something at the next place I stopped. I bought two things, one cost $14 and the other was $100. It came out to $14. She scanned both, put them in my bag, and the expensive item didn’t show up on the receipt. She didn’t notice the ridiculous price. I thought she was putting the decimal spot in the wrong place. I paid and figured the beepers at the door would go off but they didn’t. So now I’m debating my conscience. When will they notice I didn’t pay? Should I just go back now? I am so so so so broke right now after all of Winger’s vet bills this summer, my bathroom repairs, the recliner chair I just paid off in full (which I don’t sit on anymore because I have no laptop to sit in front of the tv with), that it certainly was a nice break, but I feel guilty. Sigh…..

I haven’t been sleeping too well, well I sleep well, it’s the getting to sleep part that hasn’t been working too well. I just lie there and get all sad and weepy. So I try to stay up until I’m really really tired. Or fall asleep with the tv on for a mind distraction. So I’m a little sleep deprived. And now I think I’m getting a cold.

The one good thing is Surf is doing much better. She’s eating well. She’s definately bored and still misses her brother, but she’s coping. I take her to Herc’s* often and she loves that even though his dog doesn’t play with her. We’ve been taking more walks too. I really want to put a kennel run in the backyard so she can stay out all day and be locked up enjoying the fresh air. I found a good price on one, but it’s well into Michigan at Menard’s so not sure if that will happen, or if I really need to spend the money. It would just be so much better for her than being in a crate staring at the Animal Planet station all day.

Well my break is over, back to work. I’m learning how to program Visual Basic so at least it’s interesting. And as a bonus, I figured out how to get my work computer to stop playing my mp3′s too fast, so now Johnny Cash and Dave Matthews aren’t singing in soprano anymore.

* name changed

Mondays Suck

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It’s dark and rainy outside, and so is my mood.

The motherboard on my laptop is fried again. It’s no longer under warranty so I will have to pay to even call Compaq. Does anyone have a good estimate what calling Compaq, having them replace the motherboard and power button equates to compared to buying a new laptop? Which I also can’t afford?

The only saving grace… Just yesterday I copied all my photos over to my old desktop computer. So at least I have all my photos of Winger saved. All my emails are not accessible though. Most of my files are backed up onto my computer as well which is good. Pretty much everything except my emails.

Edit: I just found out that to order a replacement motherboard from Compaq is $769.00. That doesn’t include labour. New laptops are $1300. I can’t afford either. I want to go back to bed.

Update: Apparently I can buy a $9.99 adapter and mount my laptop harddrive inside my desktop computer to recover my data. I guess this is the plan. Maybe by next spring I can afford to replace my laptop. It didn’t even last two years. This is the second time the motherboard needs replacing. Learn from my troubles – buy the extended warranty for your laptop!!! I know I’m a heavy user of my laptop, but I think that a laptop should last more than 2 years! (It’s a Compaq Presario X1010CA for any search engines who would like to grab this as a BAD REVIEW… well I love my laptop features, just don’t like it breaking!)

Surf’s First Solo Swim

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I am not sure if I should be really worried about Surf, or if worrying about her displaces my grieving.

I’ve come home for lunch the last couple days to check on and play with Surf. Okay and to cry a bit so I don’t cry at work. Surf didn’t eat much of her breakfast yesterday, but she finished it when I came home at lunch. She totally refused her dinner though. By the time we went to bed though, I convinced her to eat half of it. I have read lots of tales of grieving dogs going completely off their food and it can be really serious and long-lasting.

After work I took Surf for a swim. I figured she could use some fun. She had a great time swimming. Of course I had to lift and put her into my truck to get there, but she was happy once she was there. At home she’s just lost. She doesn’t want to leave the porch when I let her out. And once she’s finally outside in the yard, she’ll refuse to come back inside. Actually yesterday when I was home for lunch, I moved her crate into the living room where it’s brighter, instead of in the depressing dark corner of the kitchen, and I left the Animal Planet channel on for her to watch :-)

Here is one of the neat pictures I took of her swimming (I took 45 and 2 videos). I just love the colours with the sand and the water, and the footprints in this one. You can right click and view it bigger.

Surf swimming

And here is a video of her swimming and playing with a big leaf in the water! Let’s see if this works. Click Here to See Surf playing in the Water. It should have sound too!

I had a bit of a meltdown at work yesterday when my very insensitive boss refused my leave from last Thursday and Friday when I classified it as sick leave. We don’t have pet bereavement leave and we should. Why is it that parents can have all sorts of days off to care for snot-nosed children, and we can have days off when a human member of our family dies, but when your canine companion that you share your house and life needs care and or dies, you have to be at work. I was requested to discuss it with someone in the HR department. As if I’m ready to talk about this! My boss should have taken care of it. So I emailed the woman in HR so I didn’t have to do it face to face. I explained why I wasn’t at work on Thursday and Friday. She responded that she was sorry about my dog, but it’s up to my supervisor!! So I told a stranger about my grief for NOTHING! I sent her response to my boss and told him to talk to me by email only as I was still too emotional to do so in person. Arghhhhhhh….. I don’t need this. Don’t pay me, I don’t care, but I WILL NOT take VACATION time. I refuse to call putting down my dog a VACATION.

Well it’s another day and it’s time to get up and have some breakfast. I am doing better. I tear over sometimes, and cry some at home, but the full body loud sobs seem to be over, although I’m sure they’ll creep back in once in awhile ;-)

Thanks to everyone for sharing their Winger stories, and emailing, and calling us. I didn’t realize how much Winger touched so many lives, and it really helps to know he’ll be remembered.

How we are doing…

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Some people have been asking how we are doing. Such a simple question, but it is hard to answer. I guess I’m going okay since I am still functioning. I’ve definitely taken more naps, crying is rather draining.

Yesterday I got back from running a couple errands. I went in the house to let Surf out and she looked all over for Winger, even in the garage. It was absolutely heartbreaking. Sometimes she seems soooo depressed, but I suppose she always was fairly quiet. She won’t get up in the morning unless I coax her up. She’s always liked sleeping in, so maybe it was Winger who made her get up. We were over at Herc’s* last night and she was her old goofy self again, playing with his dog’s toys and begging for treats. Last night she didn’t want to come back inside the house, actually a few times during the day too, but last night I had to go physically pick her up off the ground and get her to come to bed. I hate to leave her tomorrow in her crate all day while I’m at work, but she just loves to eat my house, yes even at 10 years old, that I have to. I wish there was a doggy daycare or something, or better yet, that I could find the time to put enough effort into my independent web projects so I could work just at home.

Last night I had a couple margaritas. I know now why some people dealing with emotional pain become alcoholics. It numbed me enough to be able to think about Winger without crying. It lasted quite awhile too. Since Winger’s been gone, I go through moments where I just absolutely have to get out of the house because there is a reminder of Winger everywhere I look and I just can’t stop crying. Then I’d be out of the house and I’d just HAVE to get back home because I just have to let out the tears. Not hearing him bark when I get out my key has made me cry every time though. He always would wait to see me, then run and grab a stuffed toy to bring to me. Every time. Everytime I came home since April 11th, 1998. Hugging his big stuffed lion is comforting to me for some reason. It needs to be washed though and I haven’t been able to yet. Sometimes I see things and I think that the last person/dog to touch that was Winger. Like the rope toy he played so hard with in the backyard before we took him in. It’s still in the same spot he probably dropped it. He sure went out in style. He wasn’t feeling good all day, bleeding and all, but he was so hyper when Herc came to pick us up. He was jumping on the gate barking at him. His bark was really hoarse though. He played fetch very hard and long, and rolled around on the grass on his back – he even made a grass stain on his forehead. I still keep finding blood drops on the floor, a couple small splatters on the wall from him shaking his head. I’ve cleaned most of them up, I don’t really need to be reminded of that.

I’ve never had someone so integral in my life die before. It’s really hard to wrap my brain around it. This afternoon I opened the cupboard to grab some treats for Zeus, the cat, and I saw the special jerky treats I had bought for Winger, special because they are hard to find and had no grains in them to bother his system. When I saw them I thought “Oh yeah! I forgot about those, I have to give one to Winger when he gets home”. ….. Oops. He’s not coming home.

I found the hair I had snipped from him his last afternoon. I had put it in a ziploc and put it on my desk. I saw it today. I had forgotten all about it. It was like part of him was back in my hands. Oh I miss my boy so much….yes I’m crying…. I can’t believe he’s really gone and isn’t coming back. Herc and his dog have kept us company most of the day, but when they go home, Surf and I are really lonely. It’s just something we’re going to have to work through though. I know things will get better with time and we’ll figure out our new roles and habits.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I’m dreading it because without hurting people’s feelings here, I don’t work with many people who can really sympathize with what I’m going through. I’m not at all ready to talk about it, especially at work, especially with people who don’t really care. I have no idea how I’m going to get through 8 hours without crying, actually I’m sure I probably won’t.

Having this blog has filled a valuable outlet for me to work out my feelings throughout Winger’s illness. Very therapeutic.

Bye Winger.

Winger

Winger

*name has been changed

Winger is gone….

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Yesterday I had to make the very difficult decision to put down Winger.

There has never been such a hard decision. I woke up in the morning to find fresh blood in the hallway. One of the big mast cell tumours behind his ear had broke open and was bleeding. It was exactly like when the big one on the top of his head was bleeding so badly and had to be surgically removed.

I cried from 6:30am onwards. I knew it wouldn’t stop bleeding on it’s own. Realistically the only way to stop it is to remove the tumour. It was actually bleeding in 3 spots. I could tell the one behind his other ear was a day or two away from doing the same thing. It was the one way I didn’t want him to go – just because one of his tumours was bleeding.

I stayed home and by noon I had decided and had to call into the vet. Our regular vet, Dr. P, wasn’t there. The vet tech on the phone went through all the body care options with me, some were just too gruesome. If I had a farm, or a house where I felt I’d be staying for some time, I definitely would have buried him. But I don’t, so I opted for private cremation. Some of the options included a man who picks them up and disposes of them at the public landfill! The cremation centre is in New Liskeard so it will be a few weeks before I’ll get his ashes.

Herc did the nicest thing for us. He came over and we played fetch with Winger in the backyard for 10-15 minutes. Then Herc drove us to the vet’s office for our 4:45 appointment. Around 5, it was time. I requested that I wanted to be with him. They lifted him to a table and made him lie down. I put my arms around him in a hug and squeezed so tight. They had to shave his front leg to find a vein. The vet who was there explained what was going to happen and that he’d take a few long breathes. He put in the needle in. Winger inhaled a bit and only took one long exhale. I felt it all, it was like the air was being let out of him, and he rested on the table. It was soooo peaceful. He looked like he was sleeping. It was a relief to hear his constant heavy heavy panting and coughing stop. It was then I was sure I did the right thing. I gave him a final kiss above his nose and left. Sobbing sooo loudly of course.

Winger was special to me from the start. I always thought fate brought him to me. I was going through a lot of transitions in my life, my social circle was changing, and my parents had split up. Winger was the best friend I needed so bad.

My house feels empty. Surf is quiet. I’m not sure if she really realizes yet or not. She’s sure getting spoiled though. With just one dog now, I’ll take her with me more often. Herc’s dog isn’t much of a player with her, so I worry she’ll age fast now all alone. If that happens, the breeders of Winger and Surf are expecting a litter sired by Winger and Surf’s brother soon, and have let the option open of me adopting a puppy. I’ll have to see.

It’s so strange to let only one dog out. There is no Winger lying in the hallway, no Winger jumping up when I get up out of my chair to follow me. Picking up his food dish was tough. I remember how he used to jump on the bed to wake me up. He would roll on his back and steamroll me. The gooseberry bush in the back yard is full of his fur because he rubbed on it, and all around it, every day – especially first thing in the morning. I missed stepping over him to go pee at 4am. He has a huge stuffed lion animal that I hugged most of the night. He loved carrying that around.

I know I have made so many good memories with Winger and I have hundreds of photos of him. Now that he is gone, I’m thankful he was still able to run and play until the end and I didn’t allow him to suffer more than he did. I do think he was much sicker than he showed. The vet also said that because he was gone so fast.

I’m not a religious person. I do believe in some spiritual things. I think his soul is somewhere. I hope Surf and I have a guardian angel Winger now. Part of me hopes he’ll be reincarnated into a puppy, but mostly I do believe Surf and I will meet him again some day. I know Winger was never content unless he was with me.

Sorry if I made you cry reading this, I just need to type out my feelings. I told my bosses I wouldn’t be into work until at least Monday. I’m just crying all the time and no one wants to do that at work.

Winger, I love you. Thanks for enriching our lives. I’ll love and miss you always.

Winger

(photo shown is from April 11th, 1998. Winger was 4. This is within a few minutes of meeting him in Duluth, Minnesota.)

Edit: There have been many wonderful comments left for us on my Canadian Goldens website: http://canadiangoldens.com/showthread.php?5596-Winger-s-Gone

Tuesday – Back at Work

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I was feeling better today and went back to work. Dad left this morning. Dad is amazing. He worked sooo hard for me! What an amazing dad! I’m sure he’ll be in shape for Kilimanjaro, he’s a work horse!
I went to Walmart after work to spend yet more money. I got a fabric shower curtain I cut down in length for a curtain for the bathroom window. It looks great! I just need to hem the bottom now.
Then I tackled the big pile in the driveway – all the garbage from the weekend. I shovelled it all into contractor strength garbage bags because our dump isn’t set up so we can easily dump out. I could only fill some bags 1/4 full because ceramic tile pieces are heavy!!
Then I enjoyed my new shower again.
I got gas tonight – 120.5 – I didn’t fill up. I wanted to cross to Michigan to get cheaper gas, but the back of my truck is loaded with the first load of dump junk, so I got $35 of gas here. My truck feels like a low rider with all the weight in the back!
I somehow got Herc’s wireless connection working over at his house today too, so he can surf wirelessly from his living room on his new laptop. He’s happy.
Now I’ll try to get some pictures up, but it’s late and I gotta sleep, so we’ll see.

–

Okay photos up.
Here is the final product after my shower this evening! It really doesn’t do it justice, it’s soo nice!

Now to finish off the walls with the tongue and groove pine! I have to pull off the rest of the old ceramic tiles first. I can’t wait until it’s done!

Bathroom: Day 3

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I’m sick. Killer headache, sick to my stomach, sneezing, coughing up stuff. Dad thinks it’s from the mold. Guess it could also be the insecticide, insulation, cement dust, saw dust, and who knows what else I breathed in. I took the day off sick. I’m mostly lying on my bed, getting up when Dad needs a hand.

DAY 3 PICTURES

I didn’t take as many pictures today because I was feeling so crappy. Here we go!

Dad got drywall up around the top of the wall above the tub surround so it will be ready and even for when I add the tongue and groove pine!

WATER works! Dad is much happier than he was on Day 1, eh? Only it’s soooo hot and humid, he was a wee bit sweaty!

During a break, Dad was super awesome to use his mitre saw that he brought up to install trim on the front door I installed last November. It looks soooooo nice and really much better than the dried foam insulation that was all you could see around the door!

Bathroom: Day 2

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I was up at 6, and we got back to work by 7:30.
The siding is back up. It didn’t fit together as well as it should have – probably because of all the rot in the corner of the house – basically there was absolutely no support left in the corner, that that corner of the house probably sunk a little. I stopped Dad from getting the jack out.
So the siding is back up. It’s 9:12am and we’re heading out to see if we can find some new window flashing. Off to Home Depot!! Stay tuned.

9:16am – Dad needs a bathroom break first. I’ll just stay in here since there is no door. You know, I’m not convinced I’m putting the bathroom door back on. Maybe for company. It opens into the bathroom and takes up so much space. The bathroom is huge without it! Or maybe the bathroom just felt huge with no walls, one or the other..

11:14am – Back from 3 hardware stores. Got a one piece tub surround for $123 and decided to leave the flashing for around the window for the pros. I’ll hire a siding guy to do that and the sill from my front door, then they’ll look good. Anything Dad was going to try would not end up looking good. Okay back to work!

3:10pm – insulation in 2 of the walls, plastic over it, and half of the cement board is up. I’m so filthy. I’m really hoping for a shower today, but Dad is suspiciously silent on the subject, and Herc* thinks there is no chance.

4:54pm – I’ve been to so many hardware stores this weekend. Dad just installed some shut off taps behind the tub for the shower pipes he is going to install, but he is missing something, so we I turned the water on there was a big leak, but there is still a hole in the floor there, so all is good. He just took off in the van to go get something.
I’m really dirty, did I mention that?
Dad had his van open for awhile because we had supplied in it, but it died. I have booster cables that were still brand new. He was impressed. So he’s been boosted.
I hope we can turn the water on again soon, Winger is so parched, I’ve been giving him bottled water!

10:24pm – Tired. We showered at Herc’s house. Thanks Herc! Plumbing is almost done, wow it’s nice to be clean. The house is a mess. I want to stay home from work tomorrow to start ripping down the rest of the bathroom and prep it for the tongue in groove pine boards I plan to put up. Sorry, but today’s pictures will have to wait, I’m sore and tired.
Good night.

PHOTOS FROM DAY 2

Time to put things back together! The siding going back up!
Bathroom - Day 2

As good as new!
Bathroom - Day 2

My beautiful insulation job!
Bathroom - Day 2

Cement backer board going up!
Bathroom - Day 2

New water pipe shut off valves!
Bathroom - Day 2
Plumbing progresses up to shower head height!

Bathroom - Day 2

Time to cut out the holes in the tub surround!
Bathroom - Day 2

*Name changed to protect the not-so-innocent

Bathroom is rotten

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This bad.
Dad is here to redo the tub surround.
He pulled off the tile and there is black mold everywhere. It is so rotten and stinky.
Now that the rotten insulation is out, we see the outside boards of the house are completely rotten. Will we have to pull the siding off the house and redo the wall? Dad said I should have moved.
I’ll update this as we go… Pictures have been taken.

11:28 am – back wall of the bathroom is gone – siding and all. Oh and it’s raining quite heavily. The outside walls of the house were just wet sawdust – that’s how rotten it was. This is bad.

3:23 pm – Back with wood, Dad is still demolishing. He keeps taking more things down and isn’t finding any solid wood. I hope my house doesn’t fall down. I’m getting some good pictures of this that I’ll upload here later.

8:21 pm – Just had pizza. Dad managed to get a wall up to cover the hole! Woo hoo! I’m just saving some photos now to add, brb…

Okay here we go… From the beginning.
My bathroom was designed with a shelf under the shower head that always got wet and the tiles were getting loose. So that is where Dad started to take off the tiles so we could replace it with a tub surround and eliminate the shelf by building it into a wall all the way to the ceiling.

Bathroom shelf

Then he proceeded to remove the dry wall.

just starting

Soon we noticed it was a wee bit worse that we suspected. Black mold everywhere. It stunk so bad I can’t even describe it. The mold was in our mouth and noses and lungs.

kinda rotten

Now if you look closely at this next picture, you can see the metal of my aluminum siding. The boards are so rotten they aren’t even there in places, just wet rotten sawdust.

see the siding?

Just look at the mold!

inside

So the wall had to be removed. I worked at taking the siding off on the outside. This is what the wall was like with the siding off.

Bathroom outside

Does Dad look impressed?

Dad

Soon enough it looked like this.

wall is missing

And then we had to take the rotten window boards down. Here is a couple new boards added back in.

kinda breezy

There was so many bugs living in that rot. I bought some super duper creepy crawler killer that is supposed to work for 2 weeks.

Die Bugs

Here’s the view from the throne.

view from the throne

And now I have a wall again! The window is back in place too!

new wall

Stay tuned tomorrow for more of the tale!